You Wish You Lived at My House

Seriously, the roomie and I decided that if it wasn't completely creepy and sorta scary, we would totally put up webcams in our house. (Please note Mom, I am NOT putting up a webcam, yes, I know it is dangerous, please don't call and yell at me, k' love you)
Why?

Because we are FREAKIN' HILARIOUS.
Let us recap some of the last year...
1. Sat around in Bikini's all day cause it was hot... starting at 8:30 a.m.
2. Fully choregraphed dances in the middle of the day, wearing the full P/P (she knows what I am talking about) and tanks.
3. Laugh inappropriately at random jokes... decided they weren't funny laughed anyway.
4. Quoted episodes of the simpsons, WHOLE freakin' episodes.
5. Watched the aquamarine movie commercial then start singing the jojo song "get out, Leave.... go" (which in person was even more funny)
6. Changed all the words to popular songs including one ditty by the roomie "I'm in love with an atheist" sung to "I'm in love with a stripper! It doesn't get better than that...
7. Preformed all of Chicago at 2 a.m., you don't know Jazz until your roommate decides to sing it to you at 2 a.m.
8. Watched Bridget Jones, then watched it again and again, in one day.

Where else can you find a house whose two mottos are
1. Friends don't let friends go out looking fugly.

*and*

2. I'm leaving, if I don't return avenge my death!!

And the above illustrations prove why, our house will never be oh so hip and cool,or really great goody-goody christian girls but we are super silly and fun and it makes home awesome.

I mean my neighborhood kicks ass already, I got JM, Shannon and Blair up the street and Mike, Jeremy and Scott down the road... all of whom can be called upon to fix things, install furniture and bring emergency sick supplies... but my Roommate, my roommate (despite her penchant for fox news and talkshows) is the bestest EVER.

Life Needs Visa???

Forget that ish…Life needs Referees.

It all came to me last night as I was lying in my bed trying to fall asleep. Think how much better life would be if there were refs to prevent incidents like creepy kisses and the newest craptacular thing… asking girls out via text message. Hold the phone you say, TEXT MESSAGE? Yes. TEXT MESSAGE.

To let you see the varied situations that a referee could help with, I have set up some scenarios to help you see the beauty of my vision.

Situation 1: Boy meets fugly girl in bar… girl will not leave boy alone.
Ref comes in with whistle: “Off sides, 5 yard penalty, please spend the rest of the evening at least 5 yards from defensive team”

Situation 2: Girl gets creepy kissed by random dude
Ref: “personal foul, removal from game evident”

Situation 3: Boy meets hot girl (in this sequence played by me) and his friends try and hit on her at the same time while bad mouth him
Ref with Flags and Whistle: Pass Interference, too many players on the field. Other players must stay on the sidelines, FIRST DOWN, start again!!!’

Situation 4: Boyfriend forgets to call girlfriend multiple times.
Ref: “Forfieture of game, Home team gets all associated products and goods given out during the game”

See I am a Friggen GENIUS...that along with my tiny people holding boomboxes playing the soundtrack to your life rocks. (Can't you just picture during a romantic interlude, a nice boombox cued to whatever love song rocks your boat...during arguments the Rocky theme... Heck Yeah)

- Me

P.S. The waterbottle boy in the aforementioned story is Super SUPER hot and can get away with using waterbottles to illustrate a point, I don't suggest it for others... as you will look rather stupid

blogaversary

Happy One Month of Posting, to celebrate and share I am going to once a month write down 5 things that you may not know about me. Enjoy. Or Don't. Whatever.

1. I obssesively love clean smells. I could stand in the detergent aisle for DAYS.... I love suavetel, I love tide, I love cheer. I love them all. Even though I only use tide, it doesn't feel like a shopping trip unless I smell at least 3 detergents. That obsessive love also shows up in soap.... OLAY pink thankyouverymuch, and cleaning supplies, I prefer lemon fresh scents. They make me happy.

2. I have folded towels the same way for 20 years and when I am upset I will refold every towel in the linen closet. My roommate knows better than to try and fold towels, because if they look all out of order I get upset and redo them anyway.

3. My stress or sadness level correlates to how long I stay in the shower. More sad, equals long shower, less sad equals standard shower...

4. I have read the entire Wizard of Oz (12 books) series more than 200 times.

5. When I was little, I used to believe that if you stared long enough, you could see the outlines where God drew us and colored us all in differently. I was always happy he stayed inside the lines.

Frush?

I think I am going to discuss something that most people don't mention to other people. A frush. It sounds almost like a disease doesn’t it, but it is fairly innocuous.
It’s the Friend Crush. (Friend + Crush = FRUSH)

When you have those few friends who you think are really cute, fun, and awesome but you have never considered dating them because you: don’t want to ruin the friendship, or you just don’t see it happening or they aren’t your typical type, maybe there are little things that would prevent you from dating long term or even short term, like you are already dating someone. But I used to believe that everyone has at least one friend crush in there life at a time, if not more, unless they just started dating someone and the relationship is all new.

Frushes are fun. Mostly because they are harmless and pretty much risk free. Maybe you are a little flirty, maybe you dress a little cuter when they are around, and in general you like having them around pretty regularly. Some frushes last a couple of days/hours/weeks until the novelty of the person wears off and you get bored. I have a long-term frush, whom I am really good friends with, and yes, he knows he is a frush (he doesn’t read this blog, but if he did, he would laugh, mostly because he would wonders why I persist in making up my own words). It is a long running joke, that I am waiting for him to fall in love with me and I will quit dating all those other guys, I tell him all the time I have a crush on him. But both of us know, the likelihood of us actually dating is nil, the longterm potential is not there, I want a guy who is pretty bold, and smart, who acts like a guy, who I know can take care of me (because he wants to not because he HAS to) and who makes me laugh, and my frush is really cute and super nice, but his personality is much MUCH more quiet than that and I am not really willing to risk it not working to try and see if it does, It seems much more complex now that I wrote that all out it works.

I think most people won’t cop to a frush, because they don’t want the drama of people not leaving well enough alone. A frush doesn’t automatically mean you want to date the person, but that doesn’t always work for other friends who will just pick at things until you hate that you mentioned anything in the first place. After talking to a friend this week though, I wonder if guys have Frushes… the gentlemen in question seemed to be saying if he wasn’t gaga over the girl (and at the time, he was hitting himself over the head with a waterbottle to illustrate his point) that he didn’t notice her. That made me think: hmm, maybe this is just a girl phenomenon, or maybe it is just a friends of mine thing, because they all have frushes…

Or maybe I am just weirder than previously estimated.

Victimized....

There has been a fairly recent phenomenon in the life o' me: The Creepy Kiss.

Let's define the creepy kiss for the newbies, I have this friend and lately he has been doing weird things when we say hello and goodbye.... He leans over and kisses me on the cheek, but not clearly on the cheek, more like the corner of the mouth or worse the NECK, for an extended period of time and it is sloppy and a little wet... Can I just say EWWWWWWWWWW.

Look, I am not against the kiss hello for greeting, I have a Puerto Rican roommate and that is common greeting for everyone, I am not even necessarily against the, quick kiss hello on the mouth, greeting (which is how many many of my college friends greet each other); provided I know and like you well enough to trust you aren't going to shove your tongue down my throat and you aren't slobbering. But I am against, the misleading, really passive aggressive, cheap shot that is the creepy kiss.

But this blog is not just about bitching (okay, maybe it is, but whatever)it's about helping the American People (see Posts Below, and yes, MAYBE I DO enjoy gross exaggeration, sue me) So I have composed a tidy list of 5 things that are and are not okay when giving the kiss o' greeting. This list is a guideline and may vary subtly from person to person, but it is pretty solid from where I stand:

1. The Kiss o' Greeting/Leaving should normally last a Jiffy, which for the record is an acutal measurement of time 1/100th of second (thank you NASCAR Floozy) and NO MORE. Otherwise it is a little couple-y and completely inappropriate for "hey what's up" situation.

2. The Kiss o' Greeting/Leaving (K o'G/L) should be on the cheek.... THE CHEEK. Not near the lips, not on the neck, or the nose. If when you are leaning in for the kiss o' greeting/leaving and I turn my head without BACKING AWAY... that means you permission for a quick kiss on THE CHEEK. There are VERY VERY FEW people who can get the K o'G/L on the lips (you knowwho you are, and thus far we have had no problems, thank you very much), but in case you were wondering the K o'G/L on the Lips should be no longer than a JIFFY it is like the forty yard dash, touch down and go.

3. The Kiss o' Greeting/Leaving should be a dry kiss, not a dry crusty kiss rather a quick "no slobber" kiss. This means your lips shouldn't be chapped or wet. Okay.

4. The Kiss o' Greeting/Leaving requires a level of trust and frankly affection, if we aren't friends enough for me to call you fairly regularly, we aren't close enough for you to be giving me the Kiss o' Greeting. This means you, strange friend of friend, friends roommate or newbie hanging out. You are authorized to give the official headnod of "hello" or maybe the "see you later" fist bump.... THAT IS ALL.

5. The Kiss o' Greeting/Leaving is a Privilege not a Right. Okay. It is not something that is okay for every girl/girl, guy/girl, guy/guy combination and it is not necessary for every hello and goodbye. And be aware of people who maybe in relationships for which this greeting makes there other half uncomfortable. It is a special thing that only some friends get to do, friends that you are especially close to, kind of like-- "love you" which should only be used for people you are pretty good friends with.... use it liberally, and you will be a healthy person, use it to often and you get hurt....

In Closing,
ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FORREST FIRES.

What!!! It's an important message... and I need to actually work at this job I have, so I needed a quick out.

An Ode to My Mechanic

Oh Mechanic,
How I love thee.

I love that you always explain things to me, and never snicker when I have no clue what you are talking about
I love that you always answer your phone and know who I am, even if I am sobbing incoherently
I love that you have never tried to screw me literally or figeratively
I love that none of your mechanics never blatently check out my boobs while I am waiting
I love that you have People, Cosmo, National Geographic, and Time in your waiting room, giving me options to read
I love that you always have a clean waiting room and a lovely carafe of coffee or juice for me
I love that you give me a triple A discount even if I don't show you my card
I love that everyone you employ is polite
I love that you will walk me to the car and point out what is broken and then show me the new thing you have to put in
I love that you don't mind yelling at the bastards in Sears and Firestone on my behalf.
I love that you are honest

So in honor of you, My Mechanic I will end in a song (sung to the hotdog jingle)

My mechanic has a first name it's S-T-E-V-E
My mechanic has second name it's J-a-n- something-something
Cause Steve Jan-something-something has a way with A-U-T-O-S

Seriously, I have the best mechanic, in Pasadena, nay Los Angeles, nay California... perhaps the world.

I am willing to share, let me know if you need a mechanic.

Just Say No... PLEASE DEAR GOD NO!!!

As I was perusing InStyle today, looking at "TRENDS AT ANY AGE!!!" I came to a momentous, life-altering, perhaps, dare I say it, world changing decision:

35 should be the official cut off for wearing a mini-skirt. And women larger than a size 2 and shorter than 5'7" should be jailed for wearing skinny pants. (exceptions being Heather Locklear, Demi Moore, and any other person, who can afford you know the personal trainers, that make those things (as I call skinny pants) okay... although might be nice for mankind if they set an example and didn't wear them on principal)

Think how much better the world would be if you got to go to the grocery store without seeing side fat hanging over the side of the skinny pants, if you didn't have to actively wince on behalf of many , many middle aged women squeezed into too tight jeans whose granny panty line is PLAINLY visable at a 10 yard distance, freeze in horror at the women whose bums have began the long trip south for winter.

Outlawing those horrors is better for the country in general. Posters could be put up, classes organized, it would be a ralling point for all, as well as clean up America's image as the unfortunate country that unleashed the horrors of BEDAZZLED EVERYTHING in the late nineties. I personally, think it would boost morale for women everywhere, as we could all look decent all the time.

Ralph Lauren could be our National Advisor on Fashion, with Michael Kors and Vera Wang as his deputies.

See the world is brighter already.

Who do I have to kill/sleep with/ cut to get a good job

Ahem, Mom, I am not going to do any of the things mentioned in the title. It was only for effect.


I am starting to think it is hopeless, which really sucks, because I am really good at what I do. But here in LA you pretty much have to either be related to someone at the company or currently be dating someone in the industry.

So now, I am in the race to see how many resumes I can possibly turn and get a call back. Thus far, I have gotten call backs on Lead Generation jobs. For those out of the know, that means, I get paid to bug friends and family to schedule appointments for people to buy things they don't want. And since I don't wanna become persona non-grata with my friends, I think that maybe a bad bad plan.

I shoulda been a lawyer or a doctor or something.

The End

Football Conversations from this Weekend

Disclaimer post... I actually don't know that much about football, but what I do know I attempted to teach to my friend Luz this weekend as we watched the Ohio v. Texas game at my friend Mike's house, this is what it sounded like (actual conversation):

Me: Okay so right now the are going for the field goal, it gives you three points.
Luz: Oh, okay so how.
Me: See they kick the ball between the big H's and if it goes between them you get three points (for the record it actually is big Y looking thing they kick through now)
Boys: The big h's .... hahahahahahhahahahhaahhah
Me: and after they get the ball points, they kick the ball the other way, using special teams which are the short players.
L: oh... look that kicker is Gonzalez, he's my people. Okay so now what?
Me: Okay then the team gets the ball and they get four turns... each turn is called a down
L: Cause the ball is on the ground.
Me: No, because they have four tries to get it across the yellow line that isn't really there, but is there on TV.
L: Oh, well how can they tell if there is no yellow line.
Me: They use those Orange carrot looking things to measure.
The Boys: Carrots, hey mike there are carrots on the field
L: how long does it measure,
Me: 10 yards, SHUT UP MIKE, they totally look like carrot sticks.

I guess my football explanations aren't going to get me onto ESPN, but they made perfect sense to my friend luz... I am starting to think I should write the Pretty Girls Guide to NCAA Football. I have many more gems like the ones used above like:
the 2 point conversion: when the people decide not to kick to the giant h's after a touchdown and decide to go for another touch down.
the safe catch: when a player frantically waves at the other players, it means don't tackle me okay.
the fumble: when the boys drop the ball. And then who ever jumps on it first gets to keep it.

See, and right on the front would be like 3 pretty girls watching Football. This is marketing genius...you know you want to buy that book.

I even would include the definitive guide to selecting your NFL team. It would go like this... First, select hottest quarterback
Then select the uniform colors that look best on you and voila... you're a fan.

Or I guess, I could just save some time and tell them they should be Tom Brady fans, the man gives new definition to Hot.

Click Here Or Copy and Paste for the Magic:

www.jedroot.com/photogr/mem/celeb/art/tom-brady-01.jpg

Thank God Decent TV is Coming Back

I probably stand alone amongst my friends, in that I admit to watching television.
* Aside... I hate those, I never watch tv people, who then can get into massive discussions on how television is so bad for you... look bitches, I read roughly 60 books a year, 4 news papers a day, and my mom has a masters in English, I don't need you telling me how television is killing my brain, as my brain is probably better developed than yours anyway... call me when you finish The Intelligent Investor or anything by Dostoevsky

Summer is probably the worst time on Earth to watch television as it is when the faceless tv executives unleash ungodly horrors on unspecting viewers (ha say THAT 3 times fast). Yes, I am looking at you dancing with dueling dueting celebrities or whatever. And at first, I can't escape because frankly, I have gotten in the pattern of watching my shows... (Grey's, how I love thee) and I don't particularly want to do something else during my designated tv time. But by mid-summertime, I have to find something else to do because "dueting with american idol rejects" is to insipid for me to watch with out wanting to throw something, and we have a very small tv (not to be confused with my friend Benn's gianormous tv...that thing is wicked cool, if I were to watch grey's anatomy on it... I would feel just like I was there in surgery, at cool proms that could never happen at an actual working hospital (sidenote, must remember to bug Benn about letting me watch Grey's Anatomy on said Giant TV...) if we throw something, it will break, and then how would I watch my roommate make a fool of herself on the Tyra show...(I still love you, you crazy crazy nascar floozy)

* This rant doesn't include Morgan, whom I know would watch tv, if she could just break loose from the shackles binding her to the law library... Hey, maybe I should get her Prison Break season 1 on DVD to give her ideas on how to break free.

How to slip a psycho

Memo: World

I have an office stalker. I work in a place with quite a few employees so picking up one or two crazies ain't that bad... however, this stalker looks remarkable like the actor from the Green Mile only less attractive and simpler, like "2 + 2 equals 4, Really" simple. I discovered this when he told me he was going to sell the fruit computer, and when I asked if he meant he was working at the Apple Store, he told me they don't have a store for the fruit computer. Also, the dude is huge and he follows me around, waits outside the door of my office, etc. Ordinarily I wouldn't be to bothered by this as, we have security on premises for these sort of issues. However, he is a security guard, and seems undeterred by the fact I have a (made-up) boyfriend, I seemingly despise him, and ignore all of his attempts to speak to me. I need tips, advise, mace on how to get convince him to leave me alone.

**************

I will developing the parameters for this date across America thing soon and will post them accordingly. Keep the suggestions flowing to the inbox okay.

**************

So... I wanna date America.

Okay, so for 26, I wanna do something different. Something new. Something dare I say it... ZESTY. So I decided I wanna date America, or more specifically, this year, I want to go on a date with a guy from every state in the Union.

Doesn't that sound Fun-tastic? Alabama. Alaska. New Jersey. New York. Hawaii. Oregon. Illinois. I want to see which state produces the greatest date. This probably sounds like a bad plan to many people, but I am not talking commitment here, I am talking a date... and then I can write in my blog about it.... So if you think this sounds like an interesting experiment and know people from different states that would go out for coffee or dinner with me, let me know... and I promise to let you know of the hijinx and hilarity that happens. Deal?

*********

Ah a question proposed to me. What type of guy am I looking for? Ordinarily... I like nice boys who love jesus who are tall, really really good-looking and love their mama.

For this experience, I am amiable to anyone who is not a stalker, psycho, and/or homicidal (which I feel falls under psycho).

**********

P.S. Attention Various Idea Stealing Bastards around LA. Don't even think about using any ideas or writings here for your film, screenplay, book or television show. If anyone is going to make money off of me making a fool out of myself, it better be me.

P.S.S. I am not, for the record, suggesting that on these dates I do anything that would make my mother smack me...

Today I am 26.

Good Night, I feel really really old. I already miss 25. That's probably because 25 is a sexy number, it is the perfect age, really. Old enough to know better, young enough to do it anyways. Finally, finally grown up, which didn't hit me til 25. Now I am 26. Nothing sexy about that. However, that is why this blog should be good. Because I am determined to make 26 freaking AMAZING...(cues Justin Timberlake...) I'm Bringing Sexy Back, Yeah.

However, in memorium, a brief record of 25, and its awesomeness.

1. September- Helped out with Hurricane Katrina, met Amber, and of course Michael...who would make me rue the day I ever volunteered and helped changed my outlook on life.
2. October- Napa Valley with the Girls... SO MUCH FUN. Line dancing for Nioria's Birthday.
3. November- Meh... nothing extremely different, except Retreat, which was cool.
4. December- HELLO, Hawaii with 20 friends...undue ammounts of drama but a rockin time had by all. And I got to see James and Morgan after about a 3 year delay---Hooray for smart college friends, they make me feel like if I am not sucessful, I at least know some successful people.
5. January- Shani and Eli's Wedding... beautiful.
5. February- Started New Job---
6. March- Vegas
7. April- Nothing Really Cool
8. May- the long-awaited ESPN threepeat
9. June- Alan's wedding in Arizona-- road tripping with Luz.
10. July- Fourth at the Beach. Family vacation to my new favorite northwest city: Bend
12. August- Dave and Amy's wedding bonanza... everyone all dressed up and beautiful. Dinner and Dancing with great friends, there are very few nights like that.

So here we are, September, (Excellent start to September-- at the wine party I attended last night not to be a nerd but Wine and Catch Phrase!!! Good Times)
I have to top that year... I have goals though.

A. Find kick ass job that pays well.
B. Napa/SF again
C. Go to the giant zoo in San Diego
D. Canada
E. Explore NY City.
F. Actually date nice guy. (things to avoid, men already married to someone else, and people who wait longer than 3 days to call, yes, this call thing will be a recurring theme for this blog)
G. Bungee Jump

Yay for goals, I will keep posting. Hopefully, I achieve some of these things. Otherwise, we are in for a depressing year.

************************
Oh and
GO DUCKS!

One Big Bubble of WTF

So yesterday I was at the DMV, renewing my license.... Which by the way in LA is possibly up there with root canal... and this guy on a motorcycle, who looks about 30 asks me:
"so, did you just get your license, you look about 16, first time on the road"

Internal Dialog Time: "Okay, really, really??? if you thought I was 16, why the hell are you talking to me, and if you are trying to compliment me maybe you should try one where you don't come off as a deranged pedophile."

External Dialog: "uh, thanks?"

Guy: "yeah, I am a pro-boxer on the circuit"

Internal Dialog "What Circuit... would this be Circuit City or did I miss hear Circus"
External Dialog "Oh, where"

Guy "Arcadia." (at this point he winks and nods, at his own importance.)

apparently, he fought his way up from the rough streets of Pasadena to hit the ol' big time Arcadia Circuit.... Hooray... Next up I will meet a pro-wrestler from the hardknock streets of West Hollywood.

Ladies and Gentlemen, that is what I am dealing with in LA. Egomaniacs with no discernible skills, not to be confused with Actors who own more beauty products than you and 45 year olds shopping for there next ex-wife.

******************

Also, as there has been evident confusion over the call time thing.

You may wait longer than 7 days to call a girl if you are:
A. Really Vince Vaughn
or
B. Justin Timberlake

Otherwise, Get off your ass and call the girl or don't ask for her freaking number... I can not emphasize this enough.