Tap into the Source.
Hello, faithful blog readers!
Well, as you have been following the blog for the past couple of months, you might have noticed that I got involved with one of my boys, "THE EX", and it was disasterous.
This weekend, we talked. He told me he is seeing someone.
And I felt.
FINE.
No, seriously, fine. Having a month break for us was good. Because it gave a lot of clarity to what we do well, Friendship, and what we fluck up royally, Dating. We are not when harry met sally, at all, we are more... Joey and Rachel from Friends. Timing. TIMING. Timing.
Well, anyways, storytime. He came over last night because he wanted to answer any questions I might have, appologize, etc. I was SO FREAKING NERVOUS when he came to the door. I was afraid. V. Afaid. I would open the door and feel a rush of romantic feelings for him. Like wanting to kiss him or hug him or anything. But I felt peaceful. Like, man I have missed you kiddo. so much. But no desire or attraction to him whatsoever. Which up until last week, I probably would have. We talked, he cried, and I listened. I listened and listened and listened some more. and after he appologized for the 15th time. I looked at him.
REALLY looked at him. I knew that he meant what he said, he really did hate himself for hurting me. Like actually HATE himself, think he was worthless and awful. And just a horrible fuck up of a person... but all I saw was
the boy who once sat on the phone with me for 45 minutes while at work (avoiding several bosses!!) because some other boy had said something mean to me. The boy who drove 45 minutes out of his way, to get me french fries because I wanted them and was sad. The boy who once explained a full 60 minute football game while it was ON, because I was confused. The same guy who has always told me I am beautiful and smart and deserved nothing but the best. And then I remembered. I have loved him for 6 v. long years, and 4 months of ick, doesn't change that.
So I forgave him and then I told him- It was time and okay to forgive himself. He made a mistake. We made a mistake in thinking we could force a very beautiful friendship and attraction into a romantic commitment. The "idea" of us, is so great. It is just the reality that is. You know. Not as much.
It feels really, really good to forgive someone, who doesn't deserve it and can't earn it. It feels like I gave out Christmas early. Because, I am totally and utterly justified in despising him and no one, NOT ONE FRIEND, would judge me if I decided what was best for me, was to never ever speak his name again. Acutally most of my friends, wouldn't judge me if I called them to bury the freaking body. (I have AWESOME friends)
But I don't feel that way at all. I feel like the foundation of our friendship is deep enough and strong enough for us to rebuild. I feel like, I am actually happy he met a girl that sparks his interest even if that girl isn't me. I feel super grateful, that I was able to dig deep enough to love him right where he is, regardless of if he hurt me, and I feel more myself than I have felt in a long long time. Strange things. Part of me sits and questions myself. I wonder if I am really okay.... because it feels like I shouldn't be. But then I think it all through all over again. And I am. Apparently. I am way stronger and way bigger than I thought I could be.
I guess the story really comes down to this:
He is completely flucked up.
He might always be
I love him very much anyways.
I am pretty sure this is what they meant by "We love because he first loved us...."
God is good.
The End.
Well, as you have been following the blog for the past couple of months, you might have noticed that I got involved with one of my boys, "THE EX", and it was disasterous.
This weekend, we talked. He told me he is seeing someone.
And I felt.
FINE.
No, seriously, fine. Having a month break for us was good. Because it gave a lot of clarity to what we do well, Friendship, and what we fluck up royally, Dating. We are not when harry met sally, at all, we are more... Joey and Rachel from Friends. Timing. TIMING. Timing.
Well, anyways, storytime. He came over last night because he wanted to answer any questions I might have, appologize, etc. I was SO FREAKING NERVOUS when he came to the door. I was afraid. V. Afaid. I would open the door and feel a rush of romantic feelings for him. Like wanting to kiss him or hug him or anything. But I felt peaceful. Like, man I have missed you kiddo. so much. But no desire or attraction to him whatsoever. Which up until last week, I probably would have. We talked, he cried, and I listened. I listened and listened and listened some more. and after he appologized for the 15th time. I looked at him.
REALLY looked at him. I knew that he meant what he said, he really did hate himself for hurting me. Like actually HATE himself, think he was worthless and awful. And just a horrible fuck up of a person... but all I saw was
the boy who once sat on the phone with me for 45 minutes while at work (avoiding several bosses!!) because some other boy had said something mean to me. The boy who drove 45 minutes out of his way, to get me french fries because I wanted them and was sad. The boy who once explained a full 60 minute football game while it was ON, because I was confused. The same guy who has always told me I am beautiful and smart and deserved nothing but the best. And then I remembered. I have loved him for 6 v. long years, and 4 months of ick, doesn't change that.
So I forgave him and then I told him- It was time and okay to forgive himself. He made a mistake. We made a mistake in thinking we could force a very beautiful friendship and attraction into a romantic commitment. The "idea" of us, is so great. It is just the reality that is. You know. Not as much.
It feels really, really good to forgive someone, who doesn't deserve it and can't earn it. It feels like I gave out Christmas early. Because, I am totally and utterly justified in despising him and no one, NOT ONE FRIEND, would judge me if I decided what was best for me, was to never ever speak his name again. Acutally most of my friends, wouldn't judge me if I called them to bury the freaking body. (I have AWESOME friends)
But I don't feel that way at all. I feel like the foundation of our friendship is deep enough and strong enough for us to rebuild. I feel like, I am actually happy he met a girl that sparks his interest even if that girl isn't me. I feel super grateful, that I was able to dig deep enough to love him right where he is, regardless of if he hurt me, and I feel more myself than I have felt in a long long time. Strange things. Part of me sits and questions myself. I wonder if I am really okay.... because it feels like I shouldn't be. But then I think it all through all over again. And I am. Apparently. I am way stronger and way bigger than I thought I could be.
I guess the story really comes down to this:
He is completely flucked up.
He might always be
I love him very much anyways.
I am pretty sure this is what they meant by "We love because he first loved us...."
God is good.
The End.
posted by Shanelle at 11:19 AM
1 Comments:
You are much stronger than I. Or more evolved....
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