Miss Communication.
Warning... not so much funny in this blog... more rambling stream of consciousness.
Or something like that.
It is funny how much sense I make when I am not discussing my own life... I am an excellent communicator, for the love, I work in communications... and as previously discussed in the Blog, I have embraced my inner baby oprah, giving out relational, professional and general advice, just like Santa does at Christmas... and yet, I am utterly at a loss on how to handle my own life at times. I wonder if it is because I am still growing into my own skin, or perhaps more aptly it is because I have a really really really hard time embracing things that don't make sense to me.
Let me be more specific, accidental or no, I have this vision of how friendships should work, how relationships work, how dates work, how god works, how families work, etc.... and when things don't resemble what I see in my head, I either a) reject them as inadequate or b) analyze them till I can break them into things I understand. Maybe it is because growing up (and this is so not a criticism Mom) I didn't always have what I wanted so I made up reasons in my head why I didn't and how they would work if I did, maybe it is reflective of my need for emotional orderliness. For example, in the family in my head the way families work is that the Dad works, the mom stays home and they all go to church together like happy, suburbanites and in my head, boy/girl relationships always go, boy meets girl, they become best of friends, and one day he falls head over heels for girl... they get married (see how families work for the rest) and God works like this, if you are good enough and you try your hardest to be a good christian, then your life doesn't get messed up... you get a mom and a dad, and a great job and things just work... Now rationally, before anyone says anything... I realize that this is not necessarily the case... I know sometimes you just play the cards dealt, it's not like all those kids in Africa who are starving, did something wrong, or don't work hard at being "good." Which as J pointed out... is subjective. But somedays, most days in my head... I think I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out the combination to life that gives me the life I built in my head... which probably makes me insane, idealistic or overtly hopeful... probably all 3.
The other day a friend said that my problem is that I categorize things and life doesn't have categories. It is probably true since it sounds like something one of my boys would say, For the newbies (waves to Azina) my boys are 3 friends of mine from college nicknamed on the blog as (Jase, J and the Ex) who I have been friends with for a long long time and as such know me really really well and whose advise I usually listen to above all others (unless it totally goes against my jesus loving reasoning)... mostly because I know they love me regardless of what I choose, will tell me the truth even when it really hurts and because I know they would go to the mat for me over and over if I asked.
I don't know if that is necessarily a bad thing, wanting categories, look at how much easier it makes things: War = Bad, Food = Good, Giant Romantic Moments = Good, Break-ups = Bad.
It seems like to me a rational response to a world that is full of dynamic relations (in this case, dynamic is being used in a web form, meaning constantly changing and shifting) as opposed to static (which means something is fixed and not capable of action or change.) Besides to me, I think when I leave something undefined... I admit that I can't understand it, and that bothers me... not understand things... (a completely seperate issue, my defence mechanism of reverting to being smart as a self-identifier)
I guess this whole categorizing things ends up hurting me in the long run especially since I am beginning to think, most people don't think like I do. I sure as hell know my boys don't. They are perfectly happy to ride things out... all while I am trying to organize it into something probably reflecting something that has an easy solution or at the very least, a solution.
I am open to thoughts on this, perhaps you think I am being overtly simplistic, or that I am just being stupid or maybe a little of what I said made sense... I dunno. But hey whatever.
I promise the next blog will be more humorous... I am sure the scathing recap of my time at the craziest christmas pagent ever will amuse.
Or something like that.
It is funny how much sense I make when I am not discussing my own life... I am an excellent communicator, for the love, I work in communications... and as previously discussed in the Blog, I have embraced my inner baby oprah, giving out relational, professional and general advice, just like Santa does at Christmas... and yet, I am utterly at a loss on how to handle my own life at times. I wonder if it is because I am still growing into my own skin, or perhaps more aptly it is because I have a really really really hard time embracing things that don't make sense to me.
Let me be more specific, accidental or no, I have this vision of how friendships should work, how relationships work, how dates work, how god works, how families work, etc.... and when things don't resemble what I see in my head, I either a) reject them as inadequate or b) analyze them till I can break them into things I understand. Maybe it is because growing up (and this is so not a criticism Mom) I didn't always have what I wanted so I made up reasons in my head why I didn't and how they would work if I did, maybe it is reflective of my need for emotional orderliness. For example, in the family in my head the way families work is that the Dad works, the mom stays home and they all go to church together like happy, suburbanites and in my head, boy/girl relationships always go, boy meets girl, they become best of friends, and one day he falls head over heels for girl... they get married (see how families work for the rest) and God works like this, if you are good enough and you try your hardest to be a good christian, then your life doesn't get messed up... you get a mom and a dad, and a great job and things just work... Now rationally, before anyone says anything... I realize that this is not necessarily the case... I know sometimes you just play the cards dealt, it's not like all those kids in Africa who are starving, did something wrong, or don't work hard at being "good." Which as J pointed out... is subjective. But somedays, most days in my head... I think I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out the combination to life that gives me the life I built in my head... which probably makes me insane, idealistic or overtly hopeful... probably all 3.
The other day a friend said that my problem is that I categorize things and life doesn't have categories. It is probably true since it sounds like something one of my boys would say, For the newbies (waves to Azina) my boys are 3 friends of mine from college nicknamed on the blog as (Jase, J and the Ex) who I have been friends with for a long long time and as such know me really really well and whose advise I usually listen to above all others (unless it totally goes against my jesus loving reasoning)... mostly because I know they love me regardless of what I choose, will tell me the truth even when it really hurts and because I know they would go to the mat for me over and over if I asked.
I don't know if that is necessarily a bad thing, wanting categories, look at how much easier it makes things: War = Bad, Food = Good, Giant Romantic Moments = Good, Break-ups = Bad.
It seems like to me a rational response to a world that is full of dynamic relations (in this case, dynamic is being used in a web form, meaning constantly changing and shifting) as opposed to static (which means something is fixed and not capable of action or change.) Besides to me, I think when I leave something undefined... I admit that I can't understand it, and that bothers me... not understand things... (a completely seperate issue, my defence mechanism of reverting to being smart as a self-identifier)
I guess this whole categorizing things ends up hurting me in the long run especially since I am beginning to think, most people don't think like I do. I sure as hell know my boys don't. They are perfectly happy to ride things out... all while I am trying to organize it into something probably reflecting something that has an easy solution or at the very least, a solution.
I am open to thoughts on this, perhaps you think I am being overtly simplistic, or that I am just being stupid or maybe a little of what I said made sense... I dunno. But hey whatever.
I promise the next blog will be more humorous... I am sure the scathing recap of my time at the craziest christmas pagent ever will amuse.
posted by Shanelle at 11:30 AM
1 Comments:
waves back. thanks for the explanation on the boys
I think it's easier to give advice on others' lives b/c you are outside of them & can see the whole situation. I had a discussion with one of my brothers a few weeks back and we discussed how I'm good at psychoanalyzing other people, but have a hard time turning that insight on my self. He explained that people who are so self-aware that they can analyze themselves tend to be pompous assholes and that it's a good thing I can't do that for myself.
As far as categorizing things, I don't think it's such a bad thing. We all need ways to try and make sense of a non-sensical world. I think the key is to do your best to be somewhat fluid in your ideals. It's okay to hope for the best of the best. But it's important to be realistic that in a broken world, all of our ideals cannot be realized. Maybe the key is to make the categories a little more complex. Break-ups = hurtful & crappy, but in the long run it's better to know now that it's not going to work out.
For what it's worth, I hold the same ideals about boy/girl relationships and families.
Post a Comment
<< Home