Men should come with Warning Signs.
I dedicate this blog to: Nick, I am sorry she was batish crazy, but I must stop you from ruining other women's lives, you crazy fool you. Snap to, let's grab martinis when you are here. And The Ex... whom I love, and whose ex-gf (not me) sucks and whose new maybe sorta gf, is soooooo getting screwed over before this is all over. It's okay, I still love you buddy.
You know placards that say things like:
My last girlfriend made me crazy/drunk/depressed and I am critically incapable of actually caring about you right now.
Or, I am still in love with my ex.
Or, You are just not effed up enough for me.
Or, I am seriously bitter with my last girl, I plan on screwing over as many girls as possible for revenge... whilst simultaneously, wanting the last effed up girl back.
Or, I am addicted to drugs, alcohol, porn, cheating, all of the above etc.
Or, I am creepy.
Or, I will be perfectly ready to be into you in t-minus, 24 months.
Or we could just cut it down to something really precise: I am F.U.B.A.R. (*u*&ed Up Beyond All Recognition) and will be for ____ months, check back later.
Honestly, because really, REALLY, seriously, it would save me (and all of womankind) a ton of flippin' time. Frankly, I don't want to be the girl that fixes you from the last effed up, lying, skanky bitch that you managed to latch onto and neither do most sane girls*.
Listen, you could save us all some time if you just checked off the listing of where you are in the dating scale before we started liking you. Let's just put it all out there, see where the chips land... because this whole I like you, I don't, I just want to make-out with you blah blah blah blah is freaking ridiculous, especially since you are a) hooking up with girls that you actually would like if you didn't get so messed up over the last girl and b) are causing the chain effect where, you screw over some other girl, she turns into that crazy bitch who screws over some dude, there by PERPETUATING FOR ETERNITY the whole system. Which brings me to my second point.
The line starts here, to start smacking some Ho's, (ha, I have always wanted to say that). Cues Buck Cherry's "crazybitch"
Ladies, and I use that word fairly loosely, as in people who have girly bits, could you PLEASE stop doing the following to boys who actually are worthwhile: lying, cheating, manipulating, stealing, sleeping with his best friend, ignoring him, breaking up with him for no reason, being overly needy, etc. I would like to say: He is not the last dude who screwed you over, there is no need to punish him for the last guy. I realize as ladies, again, loosely, we are always trying to you know correct our mistakes, but honestly, you can't fix something that HE HASN'T done yet.
Momentary Aside: Apologies to the following: Garret, Steve, and Jarred, I may have actually screwed one or more of you up... my only defence is that I was young, stupid and needy or something.... and at least I never cheated on you. Hopefully, you have found that nice sane chick* to help you through.
Or for you--- scandalous, ruinous, bitches who have screwed over many many a man, I have tried to date/like/befriend, chick, LET HIM GO. For the love of Tom Brady, LET HIM GO. Yes, I realize you may have recognized that you made a critical error in cheating on him with that greasy dude down the street (moment of silence for Britney Spears) and yes, I recognize that as a pretty hot chick, you feel that every man on earth should worship you, but back you should have thought of that the first time you broke him into a million tiny pieces. So just go away, you are ruining things for the rest of us. Do like the rest of America, and go to the Man Rehab, and get clean, clear and then comeback ready to actually be in a relationship with a decent guy OR stick to your own kind, the lying cheating kind and leave the good ones to those of us, inclined to appreciate them... Thanks
This blog was brought to you by at least 5 phone calls of devastation this weekend from various guy friends or the one irritated meh over the pending Tom Brady baby...
(*We here at the blog recognize that sane and girls is an oxymoron, so for the purposes of this blog we will define sane as not a: pathological liar, cheater, drama drama queen, or any other of the extreme neurosis that the ladies can develop)
You know placards that say things like:
My last girlfriend made me crazy/drunk/depressed and I am critically incapable of actually caring about you right now.
Or, I am still in love with my ex.
Or, You are just not effed up enough for me.
Or, I am seriously bitter with my last girl, I plan on screwing over as many girls as possible for revenge... whilst simultaneously, wanting the last effed up girl back.
Or, I am addicted to drugs, alcohol, porn, cheating, all of the above etc.
Or, I am creepy.
Or, I will be perfectly ready to be into you in t-minus, 24 months.
Or we could just cut it down to something really precise: I am F.U.B.A.R. (*u*&ed Up Beyond All Recognition) and will be for ____ months, check back later.
Honestly, because really, REALLY, seriously, it would save me (and all of womankind) a ton of flippin' time. Frankly, I don't want to be the girl that fixes you from the last effed up, lying, skanky bitch that you managed to latch onto and neither do most sane girls*.
Listen, you could save us all some time if you just checked off the listing of where you are in the dating scale before we started liking you. Let's just put it all out there, see where the chips land... because this whole I like you, I don't, I just want to make-out with you blah blah blah blah is freaking ridiculous, especially since you are a) hooking up with girls that you actually would like if you didn't get so messed up over the last girl and b) are causing the chain effect where, you screw over some other girl, she turns into that crazy bitch who screws over some dude, there by PERPETUATING FOR ETERNITY the whole system. Which brings me to my second point.
The line starts here, to start smacking some Ho's, (ha, I have always wanted to say that). Cues Buck Cherry's "crazybitch"
Ladies, and I use that word fairly loosely, as in people who have girly bits, could you PLEASE stop doing the following to boys who actually are worthwhile: lying, cheating, manipulating, stealing, sleeping with his best friend, ignoring him, breaking up with him for no reason, being overly needy, etc. I would like to say: He is not the last dude who screwed you over, there is no need to punish him for the last guy. I realize as ladies, again, loosely, we are always trying to you know correct our mistakes, but honestly, you can't fix something that HE HASN'T done yet.
Momentary Aside: Apologies to the following: Garret, Steve, and Jarred, I may have actually screwed one or more of you up... my only defence is that I was young, stupid and needy or something.... and at least I never cheated on you. Hopefully, you have found that nice sane chick* to help you through.
Or for you--- scandalous, ruinous, bitches who have screwed over many many a man, I have tried to date/like/befriend, chick, LET HIM GO. For the love of Tom Brady, LET HIM GO. Yes, I realize you may have recognized that you made a critical error in cheating on him with that greasy dude down the street (moment of silence for Britney Spears) and yes, I recognize that as a pretty hot chick, you feel that every man on earth should worship you, but back you should have thought of that the first time you broke him into a million tiny pieces. So just go away, you are ruining things for the rest of us. Do like the rest of America, and go to the Man Rehab, and get clean, clear and then comeback ready to actually be in a relationship with a decent guy OR stick to your own kind, the lying cheating kind and leave the good ones to those of us, inclined to appreciate them... Thanks
This blog was brought to you by at least 5 phone calls of devastation this weekend from various guy friends or the one irritated meh over the pending Tom Brady baby...
(*We here at the blog recognize that sane and girls is an oxymoron, so for the purposes of this blog we will define sane as not a: pathological liar, cheater, drama drama queen, or any other of the extreme neurosis that the ladies can develop)
posted by Shanelle at 11:04 AM
3 Comments:
Ummm...You posted this twice!
And as a fellow female-Ouch! A little harsh on the ladies!
How about you get to know a guy well enough to tell whether he is fucked up before falling for him?
Valid Point, Mr. Anonymous... however, I wrote this blog because of friends calling me about screwed up ex's and how they deal with them by using other girls.
But, I take this kind of "anonymous" advice to heart... All I am saying is it would save some time, if ya'll (and I am assuming you are a guy) just came out with it so I didn't waste time trying falling for, and/or trying not to fall for, mr. damaged man.
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