Tom Brady is SINGLE...
There is no point to that announcement other than to say... YAY.
So this weekend was.... interesting to say the least. In brief, there was a car accident, a man who may or may not have thought I was a very expensive hooker, a trip to the ghettoist ER ever, a crazed Christmas pagent; complete with dancing freaking monkey (which as you know was DEFINITELY apart of the Nativity, with the dancing monkey as Jesus clapped his wee baby hands in delight...insert derisive eyeroll here); a snowday... where I broke off some sweet baby Oprah like wisdom to my high school helpers, and I finished off with a rockin' concert by a dear friend of mine.
What... you don't want the brief version of the stories....ha. Well I am happy to oblige. Where to start. Well, since we here at the Blog never want to be accused of being dull, so we are going to start smack dab in the middle.
On Saturday night, I went to the annual Wilson Christmas Party. I had just gotten a new grey mini dress to honor the occassion, and well because I had gotten these stellar knee high boots two weeks ago, and now I am pretty much just building outfits around them. Grey Mini Dress, this really cute black top, I think I need formal shorts to go with... the fact that I said formal shorts should be enough for Morgan to wonder if I am drinking...the answer is no, but I digress. Anywho, I had just gotten comfortable and was chatting up a friend that I see approximately 2 times a year. When my phone rings, yeah. Hysterical Roommate, Line ONE. She had crashed her car and was in an ambulance incoherantly sobbing and trying to tell me where she was. When I finally calmed her down, I got to chat up a nice young paramedic, who directed me to Pacifica Hospital in LA. Not knowing where that was I grabbed my friend Luz and immediately left to go get her. (For the record, my roommate is fine, her ex-boyfriend is a *in the words of my friend Ben* a Douche and decidedly a stupid face in my estimation, because my roommate is hot and awesome)
Yeah, Pacifica Hospital is a *county* hospital.... in LA that typically means it is pretty much means it looks like a reject from a really bad depressing movie and is generally underfunded and poorly mangaged. When we got there, we got nametags with smiley faces and a black crossed out "hi my name is" and in it's place a crudely written "ER, accident visitor". Hooray. So I get there, and I can't go into see the roommate, whom I have already promised to kill as long as she was okay. The lovely techs there at the ER stopped and stared at me as I walked in... along with some police officers, who started to follow me . I thought to myself "oh, caring peace officers, so good of you to watch me walk in as this is a somewhat scary area." Then I realized that it wasn't that I looked like I need an escort, it was that by this hospitals standards, I looked like an escort (for the record MOM, I wasn't wearing anything slutty, it was the dang boots) Great. I finally got into see the roommate, and she was fine, THANK GOD, because the honor of killing her was going to have to go to ME. Apparently, she was driving and her phone rang and when she went to grab it, she hopped a curb and went into some bushes... the Paramedics brought her in because she had panicked and passed out, so she had to get a CT. Meanwhile, my friend kept calling me for directions to the party... which meant everytime my phone rang, I had to do a sprint for the exit doors so that the old mean security guard didn't throw me outof the hospital. And yes, friend knew I was at the ER and called anyway, over and over... good thing I REALLY love her.
Right, now let's move backwards in time to Thursday night, when I got taken to a Christmas pagent... indeed possibly the worst christmas pagent of all time. So I get invited by new boy to pagent. I figure what the heck, might be interesting. Uh... it was a spectacle of bad taste and extreme christian wackiness. So we get there and I gather the whole premise was now, the nativity story PLUS your favorite holiday music danced to by a bunch of hopped up teenagers... all loosely held together by a story line involving a........ Bus Driving Pastor who was going to BUS DRIVING PASTOR SCHOOL(would that be Jesus's Greyhound Pastoral School or more of a city effort with Government funding??? Cause I know that when I hop on a bus {wait pause for a moment and pretend I actually go on the bus} all I really want is my freaking bus driver waxing poetic about Jesus, and I am a fan o' Jesus.) WTF. No Really. WTF. So as we are sitting there, with a MINI blimp with the name of the church floating above our heads. They transition from "Let it snow" to Mary coming out with a live baby (who one hopes was mute otherwise he is now blind and deaf) singing about what child is this. At this point, the roughly half Jewish side of my lineage, recoils in abject horror. Ah... it is odd when your mothers sensiblities start hitting you. So, I am randomly cracking jokes because to take this "christmas" story serious would require either me smoking crack or humor. When they transitioned from "What Child is This" to..... A DANCING MOTHERFRACKING MONKEY. Um...eh..ah... yeah... I still can't really comprehend this happened, so that is all I am going to say. So we get to the end of the "christmas story" which basically ends with the alcoholic father discovering he was wrong and being cured of alcoholism (which after this play I might take up) and a big finale number. You'd think it was over right... RIGHT... how does one top a DANCING MOTHERFRACKING MONKEY.... ah... with Forced Conversion.... Everyone had to bow there head and repeat, that they believed in Jesus, then they asked for a show of hands to see how successful they were.... and this ladies and gentlemen is why all my non-christian friends think church is full of people who aren't sane.
Flash Forward to Sunday... I work at kids church at my sane church, and they brought in snow for the kids to play in. It was a great time.... for the children. I spent most of my days dealing with five year olds making ice balls and launching them at each other and going down what should have been a sleding area, but quickly, due to the heat, became an ice luge that the kids would step on to to "sled" fall and slide down thereby knocking over 5 other children, it was like bowling with live kids. HA. The kids loved it, all of them were wet, dirty and snotty.... AWESOME.
On my kids church team, I have 4 high schoolers, they always give me the latest in their drama, mostly because I despense such wisdom as "Look, I wasn't a whore in High School and neither should you" and of course "for real, you need to stay the eff out of it" and then there is the perennial favorite "Yeah, having slumber parties together is how accidental sex happens, I suggest you find, I dunno, a new birthday idea," and they wonder why I am not a youth leader. For the record , it is because in general, except for the like 8 I like, I despise high schoolers and because the youth leaders at my church have actual biblical wisdom to dispense, I have practical guidance... like don't be a ho at halloween... doing drugs seems like an expensive habit and really... girls jeans are for GIRLS. Anyways, I got a HS newbie this week, and he was super "my life is over" because his girlfriend of 3 months, is being all weird and emotional. So I ask, how old is she... he is like 14... hahaha, I told him... good luck, girls don't know anything til 24 ish... and he was like "But why... she said she loved me" so I gave it to him with the crushing presence of REALITY..."buddy, this relationship isn't gonna last past winter formal, suck it up and go hang out with your boys... other girls will come around,"
"Am I sure?" choke and sob
"Yeah buddy, you will be fine, nobody taps out at 17... buck up and go play some video games or whatever kids these days do," I said... then "uh... maybe I should give you some biblical crap to consider how about... In the begining god created light or whatever."
He wasn't sure at first, he thought if he got super depressed she would feel bad and come back to him...when I stopped laughing (which he eventually started doing because he relized the wisdom of my words or because he got nervous,) I sent him off to go play with one of the other kids new Playstation3.
Finally, shout out to Mr. Jeremy Graham, JP and others...who played a rockin', I repeat rockin' christmas bluesfest. You guys were so AWESOME... it made me wanna learn to play something other than the radio.
So this weekend was.... interesting to say the least. In brief, there was a car accident, a man who may or may not have thought I was a very expensive hooker, a trip to the ghettoist ER ever, a crazed Christmas pagent; complete with dancing freaking monkey (which as you know was DEFINITELY apart of the Nativity, with the dancing monkey as Jesus clapped his wee baby hands in delight...insert derisive eyeroll here); a snowday... where I broke off some sweet baby Oprah like wisdom to my high school helpers, and I finished off with a rockin' concert by a dear friend of mine.
What... you don't want the brief version of the stories....ha. Well I am happy to oblige. Where to start. Well, since we here at the Blog never want to be accused of being dull, so we are going to start smack dab in the middle.
On Saturday night, I went to the annual Wilson Christmas Party. I had just gotten a new grey mini dress to honor the occassion, and well because I had gotten these stellar knee high boots two weeks ago, and now I am pretty much just building outfits around them. Grey Mini Dress, this really cute black top, I think I need formal shorts to go with... the fact that I said formal shorts should be enough for Morgan to wonder if I am drinking...the answer is no, but I digress. Anywho, I had just gotten comfortable and was chatting up a friend that I see approximately 2 times a year. When my phone rings, yeah. Hysterical Roommate, Line ONE. She had crashed her car and was in an ambulance incoherantly sobbing and trying to tell me where she was. When I finally calmed her down, I got to chat up a nice young paramedic, who directed me to Pacifica Hospital in LA. Not knowing where that was I grabbed my friend Luz and immediately left to go get her. (For the record, my roommate is fine, her ex-boyfriend is a *in the words of my friend Ben* a Douche and decidedly a stupid face in my estimation, because my roommate is hot and awesome)
Yeah, Pacifica Hospital is a *county* hospital.... in LA that typically means it is pretty much means it looks like a reject from a really bad depressing movie and is generally underfunded and poorly mangaged. When we got there, we got nametags with smiley faces and a black crossed out "hi my name is" and in it's place a crudely written "ER, accident visitor". Hooray. So I get there, and I can't go into see the roommate, whom I have already promised to kill as long as she was okay. The lovely techs there at the ER stopped and stared at me as I walked in... along with some police officers, who started to follow me . I thought to myself "oh, caring peace officers, so good of you to watch me walk in as this is a somewhat scary area." Then I realized that it wasn't that I looked like I need an escort, it was that by this hospitals standards, I looked like an escort (for the record MOM, I wasn't wearing anything slutty, it was the dang boots) Great. I finally got into see the roommate, and she was fine, THANK GOD, because the honor of killing her was going to have to go to ME. Apparently, she was driving and her phone rang and when she went to grab it, she hopped a curb and went into some bushes... the Paramedics brought her in because she had panicked and passed out, so she had to get a CT. Meanwhile, my friend kept calling me for directions to the party... which meant everytime my phone rang, I had to do a sprint for the exit doors so that the old mean security guard didn't throw me outof the hospital. And yes, friend knew I was at the ER and called anyway, over and over... good thing I REALLY love her.
Right, now let's move backwards in time to Thursday night, when I got taken to a Christmas pagent... indeed possibly the worst christmas pagent of all time. So I get invited by new boy to pagent. I figure what the heck, might be interesting. Uh... it was a spectacle of bad taste and extreme christian wackiness. So we get there and I gather the whole premise was now, the nativity story PLUS your favorite holiday music danced to by a bunch of hopped up teenagers... all loosely held together by a story line involving a........ Bus Driving Pastor who was going to BUS DRIVING PASTOR SCHOOL(would that be Jesus's Greyhound Pastoral School or more of a city effort with Government funding??? Cause I know that when I hop on a bus {wait pause for a moment and pretend I actually go on the bus} all I really want is my freaking bus driver waxing poetic about Jesus, and I am a fan o' Jesus.) WTF. No Really. WTF. So as we are sitting there, with a MINI blimp with the name of the church floating above our heads. They transition from "Let it snow" to Mary coming out with a live baby (who one hopes was mute otherwise he is now blind and deaf) singing about what child is this. At this point, the roughly half Jewish side of my lineage, recoils in abject horror. Ah... it is odd when your mothers sensiblities start hitting you. So, I am randomly cracking jokes because to take this "christmas" story serious would require either me smoking crack or humor. When they transitioned from "What Child is This" to..... A DANCING MOTHERFRACKING MONKEY. Um...eh..ah... yeah... I still can't really comprehend this happened, so that is all I am going to say. So we get to the end of the "christmas story" which basically ends with the alcoholic father discovering he was wrong and being cured of alcoholism (which after this play I might take up) and a big finale number. You'd think it was over right... RIGHT... how does one top a DANCING MOTHERFRACKING MONKEY.... ah... with Forced Conversion.... Everyone had to bow there head and repeat, that they believed in Jesus, then they asked for a show of hands to see how successful they were.... and this ladies and gentlemen is why all my non-christian friends think church is full of people who aren't sane.
Flash Forward to Sunday... I work at kids church at my sane church, and they brought in snow for the kids to play in. It was a great time.... for the children. I spent most of my days dealing with five year olds making ice balls and launching them at each other and going down what should have been a sleding area, but quickly, due to the heat, became an ice luge that the kids would step on to to "sled" fall and slide down thereby knocking over 5 other children, it was like bowling with live kids. HA. The kids loved it, all of them were wet, dirty and snotty.... AWESOME.
On my kids church team, I have 4 high schoolers, they always give me the latest in their drama, mostly because I despense such wisdom as "Look, I wasn't a whore in High School and neither should you" and of course "for real, you need to stay the eff out of it" and then there is the perennial favorite "Yeah, having slumber parties together is how accidental sex happens, I suggest you find, I dunno, a new birthday idea," and they wonder why I am not a youth leader. For the record , it is because in general, except for the like 8 I like, I despise high schoolers and because the youth leaders at my church have actual biblical wisdom to dispense, I have practical guidance... like don't be a ho at halloween... doing drugs seems like an expensive habit and really... girls jeans are for GIRLS. Anyways, I got a HS newbie this week, and he was super "my life is over" because his girlfriend of 3 months, is being all weird and emotional. So I ask, how old is she... he is like 14... hahaha, I told him... good luck, girls don't know anything til 24 ish... and he was like "But why... she said she loved me" so I gave it to him with the crushing presence of REALITY..."buddy, this relationship isn't gonna last past winter formal, suck it up and go hang out with your boys... other girls will come around,"
"Am I sure?" choke and sob
"Yeah buddy, you will be fine, nobody taps out at 17... buck up and go play some video games or whatever kids these days do," I said... then "uh... maybe I should give you some biblical crap to consider how about... In the begining god created light or whatever."
He wasn't sure at first, he thought if he got super depressed she would feel bad and come back to him...when I stopped laughing (which he eventually started doing because he relized the wisdom of my words or because he got nervous,) I sent him off to go play with one of the other kids new Playstation3.
Finally, shout out to Mr. Jeremy Graham, JP and others...who played a rockin', I repeat rockin' christmas bluesfest. You guys were so AWESOME... it made me wanna learn to play something other than the radio.
posted by Shanelle at 8:43 AM
1 Comments:
I thought we already went through the "you're too tall for mini-skirts" talk in 7th grade. Maybe I should change it to "you're too hot in a mini-skirt".... Or maybe in question form...
"Do you really like being followed by police officers?"
BTW- finally something else we have in common! I only play the radio too.
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