Eharmony is stalking me.

Uh. Alarming things in my inbox this morning. I was "nudged" by some random dude at Eharmony.

I have no idea how or why he nudged me.
Also, I feel slighly violated and more than a little quizzical as to how Eharmony found me... since I hadn't yet thrown my hat on the ol'online dating ring. Mostly due to the fact I feel, like I should wait until at least 30 before I dub myself "she who can't find a boy in real life to take her out so she is going to find some boy in another state (not indiana) to take her out on a fake online date during which we will make up fibs about our lives so as to make ourselves more interesting than we actually are." I suppose I should be happy that I wasn't rejected by the eharmony which is what I am told can happen then I could be "she who can't even find random fake boys online to take me out."

Where was I... oh yes. wait until 30 to sign up for online dating. Which brings me to my next point... which is actually the main point... people, I AM ALMOST 27.

I am v. excited about turning 27. It is like turning 25 again only with an even more refined sense of style... (ahem..gauchos really... I am so ashamed it what can I say it was 2005 v. tumultous year) 27 is sexy. SERIOUSLY. Unlike 26 which is sorta meh... 27 says... sexy, sophisticated, and mature.

YES.

And now drumroll.
Happy Anniversary Blog!

**** A YEAR in REVIEW O' the life of ME**
August- Birth o' Blog. In Celebrus, cupcakes are baked and eaten
September- My birthday, and I am asked out via text message. Casa de Meh responds with a resounding "REALLY?"
October- Got involved with OB. Excellent kisser, not so excellent actual person. OOOH, started to hangout regularly with the ex... who some how stupidly thought open relationships work.... bless him, he has seen the errors of his ways. And let us not forget Slutoween!
November - still tangling with the OB... also meeting random boys from around pasadena... eh and meh. Jetskiing in November. WELCOME TO LA suckas.
December - long-ass (for real... MORGAN! lets do it again) bar crawl with College friends, creepy kissing denied...many a drunk dials made. Sorry Luz. Also. Recieved bangs from hairstylist.... sob. Most importantly, tangled with a dancing motherfracking monkey and won! Boo-yah (<---- hello 1993, welcome to the blog!)
January- break up with J. Mayer (but we are back boo... holla, blog friends) over the OB, into the NB...decide against NB. HA!!! Danger Ranging at Lola's... Declaration of intent to hate Indiana...and the cowboys... Still holding
February- Fancy pants dinners galore... eh...and I was almost a kidnapper... oooh, met NNB who eventually bored me.
March- Wrangled with NNB, NB and RB... decided I didn't like any of them... go with hanging with the homies instead.
April- Vegas, BABY!
May- FIRED! and picked up my Twinkie... then promptly dropped him. HA
June- blog sorta dead, Writer threatened with death if no updates were forthcomming... go to the ex's birthday party, make fun of random matrix guy, much hangout occurs.
July- TRANSFORMERS. NEWPORT BEACH. GIRLS GONE WILD (no, not me, but the party looked like it)
August- OLE! Happy Blogaversary!

I don't believe in Sensible Shoes.

I found this out this week, at a random job interview, where the senior VP (of apparently bad taste) came to out to interview wearing light purple tapered pants, a dark purple shirt and VIOLET MOTHEREFFING SENSIBLE EASY SPIRIT SHOES. Violet. Really.

Allow me to post the transcripts of my internal monologue (my thoughts in Bold, actual spoken word, italicized):
Hmm... Nice waiting room, poor use of the color lime, but it is okay, I can handle this v. room without screaming

Okay upstairs, you will be meeting with Senior VP ______ (name withheld to prevent litigation, we will call her Senior VP Ugly Shoes)

Upstairs, not horrible. Good lord, why is that woman wearing such high pants, and are those puffy painted flowers on her blouse... okay maybe she is a temp

Hi, I am _____, VP of Ugly Shoes assistant. She will be with you in 10 minutes.

Okay, don't get judgy, just because she has puffy paint on her shirt, no judging.... be strong. GOOD GOD why puffy paint? okay stay firm, stay the course, look at your cute Enzo stilletos, you will be okay... make no direct eye contact with the puffy paint, might look weird

Hi, I am _____, VP of Ugly Shoes. Follow me

Lord, all the purple, it is like barney came in and threw up on her. Clubbed her over the head and said, now you are my dinosaur bitch. Where does one even find those shoes. And really why not flats. Flats are cute. Nordstroms had a sale. Okay, where do I look. up. no. down, NO. settle for the middle distance.... try and look ethereal. intelligent. wait. HOW CAN I DO THIS, I can't interview with a person of this poor a taste. it is an affront to all I believe in. maybe I should drop an Instyle advert on my way out. Guerrilla war tactics... start changing out the front magazines. I could make a difference in the world. One person at a time... I wonder what she is saying... something about filing is that...

Yes, I know how to file, in fact, I love my label maker.

Great, who says they like their label maker.. .old people that is who, old people who wear sensible shoes. Is that a SCRUNCHIE around her wrist. A purple scrunchie. Where does one even buy those? How, why, where. And how do I get out of here. I can't do this... I can't work here. She might make me wear scrunchies... then I will be in Naturalizer looking for the same shoe in beige (goes with everything!) I feel myself getting less sexy by the minute... I need an escape route. Focus, this job could be great. Sure, you would be misrable, but no one said work wasn't miserable. If you pretend that this is 1995, all these fashion no's become fashion YES. Okay she is introducing me to someone...

Hello, I do love this purse thank you.

That chick had BROWN EYELINER ON HER MOUTH... NO. NO. NO. I just can't do it I have to go. I am getting hives. I wonder how I will say no when they offer me this job... uh. Yeah, I hate your sense of style... P.S. Lime is an accent not a main color... too much. Too West Hollywood. Just keep your head down, finsh strong... focus



So concludes. Masterpiece Meh Theater. Needless to say. I will not be working there.

Please return to your regularly scheduled activities.

Mayer Watch *** UPDATE***

Day 2

Still no word. I wonder if it is me. Or, the fact that I have not placed strategic T&A all over the blog as a johnny'sboysmayerheads attractant, one always catches honey with bees. Some crap like that.

ZEXY

First, a new addition to the blog...

MAYER WATCH 2007

I have taken the liberty of trying to introduce my fair blog to new friends...so I have sent John Mayer's blog with a note asking us to be blog friends....

Day 1- No Response form J. Mayer Blog Camp.... however, hilarious review of email from friends who have decided I was crazy for emailing him (or his blog, which is probably handled by his people... aside... I wonder if his people are called Johnny's Boys? Mayerheads?) But just in case, WELCOME, johnny'sboysmayerheads!

###

Scene-- Jon Mark's House. Hot Tub.
Characters--- Nick, Me, Jordan's Alter Ego--Bubba, Nate
Discussion--- Boys Sucking (thanks, S, I love having new things to bitch about) Girls (yay, Nick finally found a hot blond who eats AND is fairly sane) and why Jon Mark needs to stop the creepy.

Well, now you all have an overview of my last night. I am basically sipping my diet coke chatting (see--- ranting manically) about the latest stupid face boy that I managed to find. The boys nodding supportively (uh, or fearfully... whichever) When we uncover this little gem... the story of how Jon Mark brought a girl on vacation to visit Nick and Nick ruthlessly stole her from him and made out with her. All while Jordanbubba or bubbajordan muttered on and on about Cameros and T/A, A/T etc.

Or at least that is version A of the story.

So for your amusement... I present to you blog readers, (hello Europe, Morgan, email me from the Internet cafe when you read this) CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE:

1. You have a free weekend and you are but a poor college student, so you decide to drive up to Chicago to hang with your friend Nick in his tiny hovel of a studio. On your way there you meet a cute girl do you
a. immediately invite said girl on weekend vacation...even though you have no idea if she is bat-ish crazy and you haven't really got the space for this chick. I mean what the hell, 8 hours in a car with a stranger... LOVE ALWAYS BLOOMS (move along to section 2)
b. Get the girls number, call her when you get home. (Obviously, you aren't very good at this, but you probably get mad chicks... so well played player... well played. Adventure Over)

2. You get to Chicago with girl and kid brother, you immediately
a. offer to sleep on the floor so that she can have the bed, and your little bro and friend share the couch. Thereby effectively making yourself available to share her bed if necessary, and completely blocking your buddy from getting anywhere near said cute girl. (HA... another trick question, well played. play on player! Adventure Over)
b. Hop into the cozy bed with your kid brother and hope for the best. (move along to section 3)

3. Upon realizing that the girl has a mild interest in your friend. Do you:
a. Immediately set off to prove your own worth by becoming the WORLD'S NICEST GUY. (move along, to section 4)
b. Back off, many fish in the proverbial sea, etc. Besides Chicago baby, why sit and mope when you can go eat! (truly, you are not the quickest of learners, but whatev baby, you got it in the end. Adventure Over)

4. The trip down awkward lane is ova! And the whole drive back, said girl says nothing to you. Not one peep. Not one turn left. Do you
a. Decide, now is as good time as any to blast the stereo.... chalk up the silence to girl gone crazy and resolve never to invite a girl on a mancation again. (adventure over... sure, you didn't escape with alot but at least we aren't gonna have to mock you 5 years from now)
b. Call, IM, send email, a written letter and a telegraph, trying to figure out WHAT'S WRONG? (uh... if you did that... you are JON MARK... and we need to have a serious talk about WHY girls are sometimes just weird and not worth it... love you kid)

BONUS.

Months and months later you find that your boy, kissed said girl while you were there and you never knew... do you
a. Laugh it off and put Tapatio in his cereal
b. Mock the girl. Tell everyone you weren't into her anyway, and deny plausibly how the calling, emailing and telegraph actually came from your neighbor/evil twin/resident assistant who was trying to DESTROY you.

Whatever jon mark chooses at this point will be hilarious. And that ladies and gents (johnny'sboysmayerheads) was my evening last night. Nick, watch your cereal.

Swim hugs for all!