HATE

Well there is no other way around it.

It is time for a hate post.

Without further ado...the top 5 (ahem 6... I edited in the AM) things I hate right NOW.

1. (sports) But But BUT... the patriots are mean and they run up the score. That is ALL I heard this weekend post the Redskins game. Can I ask, when did football players become tiny little babies that need there widdle feelings protected. Bitch, this ain't high school football anymore. You are paid more than most people make in a lifetime to play football.. .suck it up. You don't want to lose by 45 freaking points. Send the defense out there, and tell them to defend. You remember the point of defense right, their job is to make sure the other team doesn't make points. You can't hang, then get the fluck out of the league. Don't cry to me because your team can't do their jobs.

2. (books) SCREW YOU Greg Behrendt. Screw you and your book "he's just not that into you" I now have a complex. So lemme get this straight, if he isn't calling you constantly, stalking you, having sex with you, and/or rubbing your feet all the time. He is just not that into you. I swear this book is gonna ruin more good relationships than help any woman.

3. (teenagers) PUT SOME CLOTHES ON. And don't run over the babies while they are trick or treating... it is trick or treat, not look like a trick night. I almost SMACKED a slutty cheerleader who ran over the twins today. I wonder if it is bad to beat a 15 year old senseless for pushing over a toddler. Cause if it is.... prep the bail money. Nobody hurts my gracie-pie.

4. (myspace) Well, that isn't true. It isn't you myspace, it is me. I hate you for turning me into a neurotic foolio. I need to just delete the damn page.

5. (music) Can a girl get a song that isn't... I am in love with a stripper, bartender, carwasher, et. AL. Remember when music was made because something needed to be said. It is like every relevant comment that could be made was made in 1999. And now, all there is... is the same trite crap over and over. I need to not listen to the radio.

EDIT 6. (I blame the teenagers) TEXT/IM grammer. What is not spelled wut. Are you people trying to kill me with this. I got a text from a friends kid (I guess kid is relative since he is legal to drink in all 50) brother that literally read: Wut r u up 2? Oh my sweet LORD above. Just seeing that makes me hate. HATE. I am now refusing to read messages that are spelled like a third grader would. It makes me want to throw something. At your head. Read with me. What, You, Are, To ALL EASY WORDS TO SPELL. Please for me. I am elderly, please try.

That is all.

The Rule of Law

Pay attention Mini. And Mini Mini. And assorted members of the country. I am a big believer in Rules.

No not that insipidly uninspired "the rules" book. My rules. Rules that make sense, rules that inspire.
So with no further ado a short list of life rules.

1. In times of crisis, ladies put on your big girl panties and deal, wasting time crying over spilt milk, lets spilt milk stain your shoes. No one got anywhere crying in the shower, well except Mariah Carey, but a trip to crazy camp ain't all it is cracked up to be.

2. Never touch a football player. STD's are one step away from superbug status. Be it so resolved that this rule, doesn't include our beloved Tom Brady. Whom we would risk any superbug for.

3. Although it is tempting to believe otherwise. BOYS SHOULD CHASE GIRLS. the other way around sucks.

4. Like dear Posh Spice has instructed us. Ass out. Tits away. Tits out Ass away. Looking like a cheap hooker is never okay. (ahem, I stand corrected, it is okay IF you are actually a cheap hooker)

5. Friends don't let friends wear glitter before noon (Amanda, Ugly Betty)

6. Any friend of Indiana is no friend of yours.

7. If you wear a double digit size (NO SHAME) but also No COW PRINT. Frankly, try to stay away from animal print period as your main piece... one wants to look fashionable not herdable.

8. HEEL TOE. Ladies, the correct way to wear heels is HEEL/TOE. Clomping around just makes others wish you were in flats. Think more Gisele less Godzilla.

9. I don't care what you saw in the magazine. Mom jeans, weren't meant for anyone who hasn't birthed a child. TRUST ME here. Mom jeans are the new skinny, don't do it.

10. Apparently, young America needs this rule (stupid Britney) ALWAYS wear underwear when hundreds of photographers are waiting for you to hop out of your car in a mini dress. In fact in general, always wear underwear when wearing a mini dress. Commando is for army people. Are you in camouflage? Are you in the army? No. then go buy some VS.

Thank you. That is all. Come Again.

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

The GOOD-

Glory be, it has been a stupendous couple of weeks in Football.

I LOVE a good upset... unless of course it happens to me, then I hate it passionately.

And in College Football, this has been possibly the most EFFED UP SEASON EVER. People can't stay on top longer than 2 weeks, tiny insignificant teams are taking the big kids to task, it has been MARVELOUS.

Sadly, because of the issue mentioned before, I haven't been able to TRULY enjoy the upsets because none of my friends like football like I do. ARGH

I think I should start a separate blog for football.....I could even have guest writers (Nic, Meg, ladies?) Girls guide to football. This may help me get my friends to appreciate CAL going down to OSU, and the absolute deliciousness that is the NE Patriots taking a team to task. MEOW!

The EVIL-

FLUCKING LOS ANGELES. Yet, another reason to hate the stupid Chargers. Instead of watching the Patriots v. Cowboys (both 5-0) slugfest, I am stuck watching the Raiders/Chargers game. Well I would if I wasn't protesting the stupidity of not getting the option of watching a good game and being forced to watch 2 sub-par teams play crapily.

An Actual Convo in my head this week-
ME- "You know, I still haven't gotten my apology phone call from the Ex, I think maybe I should start rooting for USC to start losing."
Inner Self- "ooooh, yes revenge, nothing hurts a man quicker than his teams losing."
ME- Checks schedule. "oh, they play Notre Dame next week.... "
Inner Self- "Yes, he was stupid, you should embrace the Notre Dame, they need another win and issuing a spanking to SC would be super sweet, just one let hurray... every fan counts during football, do it. Root for NOTRE DAME, it will be sweet vindication... you know"
ME- "I could do it. I could root for Notre...I... WHA... WHAT THE FLUCK. NOTR--- Notre Dame. SNAP OUT OF IT INNER SELF. Rooting for an Indiana Team is THE NUCLEAR OPTION. We don't go there, unless it is to save our dear mama's life (love you ma!)
Inner Self- "good god, I need to lie down, I don't know what came over me. I feel super dirty, it was the diet coke, I must have cracked a bad case." (checks can) "see I can't be faulted your roommate bought diet pepsi, I was out of my mind."
ME- S'Alright Inner Self. You are forgiven, now just repeat after me... suck it Indiana, Whilst I get you a fresh can of the good stuff.

###

Let this be a lesson to you kids, NEVER EVER MISTAKE DIET PEPSI for the good stuff, it causes you to flail about thinking stupid thoughts like a drunk fool.

I like them tall, hot and emotionally unavailable!

Sexy title, no?

How sad it is compeletely COMPLETELY true.

Story time.

Those of you long term readers to the blog, you remember my boys. "The Boys" My trifecta of awesome, my beacon of reason, this past couple of months I made the critical error in judgement by getting into that effed up tango of "will we or won't we," messed up, make-out, I like you/I don't, with the ONE of my boys who I shouldnt' have started that dance with: The Ex. The Ex, whose girlfriend of 4 something years up and decided one day last year that she needed to be free to fly or find herself or some crap. And in the proccess, EFFED HIM UP BEYOND REASON. FUBAR my friends. He is FUBAR.

And I absolutely tried to look around it, I wasn't trying to force him to Girlfriend status, so I figured we could just have fun with what it was. HA. I am SO freaking stupid at times, I amuse myself.

It all blew up in my face this weekend. As he sat there on my couch telling me how he loved me, and thought I was amazing, he was so happy when he was with me and we just connect physically but he couldn't romantically connect with me but he someday could see himself with me... maybe but he loved me, blah blah blah. I am STILL not sure WTF that means. Oh Wait! I know what it means... "E-M-O-T-I-O-N-A-L-L-Y unavailable"

At first I thougth it was me. I am unloveable. I am unconnectable. Then I realized...(with the help on not one but 2- two hour conversations with Jase and a flurry of emails with James) it isn't me. I am awesome, and he is stupid. Really. REALLY stupid.

So now, here I am 5 days later (which seems like a record time, but let's be frank blog, I am too old to be living this break-up ish out and holding on to something that is stupid) and we are at an interesting point.

James helped me realize, I am okay. And really, I am. I am so over it. Which seems odd, but I know there is someone way better out there for me (Tom Brady can you hear me?) and he is really gonna regret losing me (thanks Nicole.) And it is cool, I am down for a break from the ups and downs with him... But I wish we could just get here-

The Ex avoids me for weeks on end.

Finally calling, so I can tell him dude, you messed up, you lost any chance of EVER being with me and you have been a selfish/stupid bastard for the past 6 months and you need to get right. Maybe there is a little bit of me being like DUDE... NEVER mention your stupid emotional issues to me again and start treating me like the PRIZE FRIEND, I AM. (Jason does this by always taking me to Disneyland)
He says sorry. A LOT.
Takes my ass to Seaworld, finds Tom Brady and introduces me to him and we all live happily ever after. Well, I live happily ever after. The Ex finds a girl not nearly as awesome as me, and lives somewhat happily ever after.

Let's all hope he gets his head out of his ass (all I am waiting for is a big ass apology) sooner rather than later so I can go to SeaWorld and meet Tom Brady.

I am going to see Avenue Q

Yay.

Theater.

I will tell you how it goes.

Stupid Football.

Ladies and Gents, can anyone tell me when I became a sports freak.

Yes. A sports freak.

You know for the past couple of years, I have been ESPN Sportscenter watching, trashtalking, supergirly (i.e. I can only tell you what the cute players do on the field, I don't know nor do I want to know what a "center" does in Football other than stand somewhere in the center) sports fan.

Then this weekend, it all fell apart.

You know I have (had :( super sad) always prided myself on not being an UBER fan- you know one whose whole weekend collapses when your team does loses. All until the stupid CAL v. Oregon Game this weekend. (P.S. I am still in Mourning)

Here in LA, everything EVERYWHERE is USC, SC, USC all the time. You know how annoying it is when some boy/girl whose trust fund is paying for college, screams FIGHT ON in your face with that insipid peace sign they do... and then proclaims themselves to be the greatest school, football team, student body, color in the history of ever, and then makes fun of you for putting yourself through college at the University of Oregon, because you clearly aren't smart enough because if you were you would have gone to USC. SIDENOTE- Nothing good ever came out of USC, except maybe you know Scott's degree, and I am willing to give some latitude to Nicole, but she still might come to her senses and transfer. So I was pretty excited to see that my school's big game would be featured on TV and ESPN, and were finally good enough to shut up some of the SC students.

Things I learned this weekend: Sports can kill fans. Watching that game, I had what I liken to the sports fan heart failure, you know the one where you feel like you are going to pass out, your vision blurs and then miraculously you recover, in time for it to happen again... I wonder how many times a day your body can survive that. Anyway,it was an awful game in that it was a really good game, with a chance at either team winning. I fraking hate games like that. I like to WIN, I don't care if it is a good game, or an outright spanking winning makes me happy. (Ahem Thank the good lord above my NFL team is the Patriots. Everytime, I think I am done with Football and taking up Golf... my boys pull me back in by issuing a spanking to opponents. It melts a girls heart EVERY. SINGLE. TIME)

And here is the other thing with me, when it is a close game like that I get super invested. When I know outright my team can't win unless an act of god occurs, then I just have fun watching, but yeah. I like winning. And that game was horrible to watch because it was super close the entire time, my poorbody didn't get a break.

And then we lost. It was horrifyingly maddeningly frustrating, I told Scott I was giving up Football, I took the condolence calls from friends, and pretty much hated all of Saturday and the only thing that broke me of my post game depression was the twins patting my hands telling me "s'okay," and trying to force feed me their fruit snacks, they are the cutest 3 year olds on the planet!

My friend John, called and took me out to break me out of my post-game funk. And sadly, you know it is bad when a cute boy can't break you out of your WHY, LORD, WHY my team mentality. I tried to warn him I am like a boy when it comes to football, and bless him he tried to keep my mind off of it.... which he did until he told me he was rooting for CAL. And then I was bitter again. (ha, still love ya' john! although NEVER tell me you are rooting for the opposing team again)

Then I got home, and was still bitter and Scott had to talk me down from the season is over, I hate everything but golf cliff. HA.

What the crap is wrong with me.

Well... I don't want this to be downer blog so here are 5 silver linings to end on a high note:

1. Notre Dame 0-5, BWHAHAHAHAH, SUCK IT INDIANA. (Mom, 0-5 means zero wins and 5 loses!!!)
2. Fall Retreat is happening, and I am going... super happy
3. Patriots still Winning.
4. Chargers still losing... BWHAHAH, the fans (re: Brian from Boxing) might have wanted to dial back the trash talking next year
5. I got a stunning new shirt for fall, consider me sold on that Green trend.