Blogaversary- Late... but still delish

Hola, it is the best time of the month. Blogaversary. Enjoy or don't. Whichever.

1. I once cheated on a history exam by pretending I had a question and looking at the answers as the teacher corrected past classes tests. Yes, mom, I am sorry for this.

2. In middle school and early high school, I would plan outfits based on what other friends were wearing... this did not mean that I wore the same things at the same time.... it usually meant of the 4 girls I hungout with, one of us would get to be the "cute" one that day.... the other ones had to be dressed down, very comunist like no? BWAHAHAHA

3. I will only work with a particular brand of pens. This makes me quite the DIVA during the Staples order, because if the admin orders the wrong pens, I refuse to use them to the point of no work getting done and taking a break to go to target and buy the right pens. Look, it is quite simple, I need Post-its and I need pilot precise pens, EXTRA FINE.... I said NO BALL POINT PENS... sorry channeling my inner Mommy Dearest.

4. I can read people pretty well and have been known to play up, play down my intelligence accordingly. I also have been known to give opinions about books and plays I have never seen, and proclaim movies I will never see to be bad. I have only ever had one person doubt the authenticity of my claims... and I still convinced them. I do this by speaking with conviction even as I know NOTHING about what I am talking about.... bwahahaha. If you say it with authority most people backdown.

5. I love to read, but I also usually read in this order, begining, end, middle.... always. I do the same thing with the newspaper, front page, opinions page, others based on interest. I have no idea where this started, but I am guessing during my nancy drew kick in the fourth grade. This probably says alot about my patience level and my ability to wait for satisfaction.... ha.

Men should come with Warning Signs.

I dedicate this blog to: Nick, I am sorry she was batish crazy, but I must stop you from ruining other women's lives, you crazy fool you. Snap to, let's grab martinis when you are here. And The Ex... whom I love, and whose ex-gf (not me) sucks and whose new maybe sorta gf, is soooooo getting screwed over before this is all over. It's okay, I still love you buddy.

You know placards that say things like:
My last girlfriend made me crazy/drunk/depressed and I am critically incapable of actually caring about you right now.
Or, I am still in love with my ex.
Or, You are just not effed up enough for me.
Or, I am seriously bitter with my last girl, I plan on screwing over as many girls as possible for revenge... whilst simultaneously, wanting the last effed up girl back.
Or, I am addicted to drugs, alcohol, porn, cheating, all of the above etc.
Or, I am creepy.
Or, I will be perfectly ready to be into you in t-minus, 24 months.
Or we could just cut it down to something really precise: I am F.U.B.A.R. (*u*&ed Up Beyond All Recognition) and will be for ____ months, check back later.

Honestly, because really, REALLY, seriously, it would save me (and all of womankind) a ton of flippin' time. Frankly, I don't want to be the girl that fixes you from the last effed up, lying, skanky bitch that you managed to latch onto and neither do most sane girls*.

Listen, you could save us all some time if you just checked off the listing of where you are in the dating scale before we started liking you. Let's just put it all out there, see where the chips land... because this whole I like you, I don't, I just want to make-out with you blah blah blah blah is freaking ridiculous, especially since you are a) hooking up with girls that you actually would like if you didn't get so messed up over the last girl and b) are causing the chain effect where, you screw over some other girl, she turns into that crazy bitch who screws over some dude, there by PERPETUATING FOR ETERNITY the whole system. Which brings me to my second point.

The line starts here, to start smacking some Ho's, (ha, I have always wanted to say that). Cues Buck Cherry's "crazybitch"

Ladies, and I use that word fairly loosely, as in people who have girly bits, could you PLEASE stop doing the following to boys who actually are worthwhile: lying, cheating, manipulating, stealing, sleeping with his best friend, ignoring him, breaking up with him for no reason, being overly needy, etc. I would like to say: He is not the last dude who screwed you over, there is no need to punish him for the last guy. I realize as ladies, again, loosely, we are always trying to you know correct our mistakes, but honestly, you can't fix something that HE HASN'T done yet.

Momentary Aside: Apologies to the following: Garret, Steve, and Jarred, I may have actually screwed one or more of you up... my only defence is that I was young, stupid and needy or something.... and at least I never cheated on you. Hopefully, you have found that nice sane chick* to help you through.

Or for you--- scandalous, ruinous, bitches who have screwed over many many a man, I have tried to date/like/befriend, chick, LET HIM GO. For the love of Tom Brady, LET HIM GO. Yes, I realize you may have recognized that you made a critical error in cheating on him with that greasy dude down the street (moment of silence for Britney Spears) and yes, I recognize that as a pretty hot chick, you feel that every man on earth should worship you, but back you should have thought of that the first time you broke him into a million tiny pieces. So just go away, you are ruining things for the rest of us. Do like the rest of America, and go to the Man Rehab, and get clean, clear and then comeback ready to actually be in a relationship with a decent guy OR stick to your own kind, the lying cheating kind and leave the good ones to those of us, inclined to appreciate them... Thanks

This blog was brought to you by at least 5 phone calls of devastation this weekend from various guy friends or the one irritated meh over the pending Tom Brady baby...

(*We here at the blog recognize that sane and girls is an oxymoron, so for the purposes of this blog we will define sane as not a: pathological liar, cheater, drama drama queen, or any other of the extreme neurosis that the ladies can develop)

Almost a Kidnapper.

So it has been an interesting week. I failed you my loving audience. I haven't updated. I am sorry.

But I have excuses. My computer had to go to the doctor and I had so much to say I had nothing to say.

It was weird.

So to get back in the proverbial saddle, I am going to tell you about my weekend. Where I. Walked. Into. A. Strangers. House

How did this happen...well lemme recap. It all starts with an idea. An idea to hot tub on a cold saturday night. So, I am on the phone with my friend Ryan, getting directions to the house. I stand at a door with roomie as back up waiting for someone to answer the doorbell and he says... hey just open the door and come in. So I open the door... to a little child playing Dance Dance Revolution. So I am like Ryan, wtf are children here. And he is all WTF.

So, the roomie and I silently shut the door and run for the car, where we drive approximately 30 feet up the road to the right house.

These are the questions begging to be asked...
1. Who leaves there door unlocked with their seven year old playing unattended in the living room
2. Why am I such a stupid face that I walked into the wrong house.
3. Which one of you would have still spoken to me when I was arrested for kidnapping.

Eh.

Fancy Pants. Bleck.

So yesterday, I spent an extra 3 hours after work at a fancy pants dinner hosted by a board member, whom I shall not name as she would buy Blogger, track me down and fire me. Yes, she is that wealthy, her purse was worth more than my salary for the month of January.

During said dinner I discovered, or shall we say, rediscovered something. I hate Fancy Pants Food, any appetizer that costs upwards of 25 dollars a plate and consists of 6 tiny slivers of cheese with some burned bread is just crazy (this confirms my earlier conclusions that if you have more than 2 million dollars in savings or at a job.... your sanity decreases, mathmatically this means that rich is inversely porportional to crazzeeeeeeeee.... don't worry we prove this later in the recap) Anyhow, this fancy pants dinner consisted of several 25 dollar appetizers, none of which tasted good. Really.... REALLY a salad made up of 4 different mushrooms (all of which were legal ones) is worth 24 dollars. Not to mention, it is in essence a fungus salad... ick.

Anyhow, it was an interesting meal, I mean my board member had fantastic ideas, if only I had 10 -20 million more dollars in my budget and a staff of about 7.

Here is how the conversation went:
Board Member (BM): You know I think it would be great if we held a fireworks display every evening JUST LIKE disneyland.

Me: but. this is a city. We can't just do fireworks, plus pirotechnics is expensive.

BM: But it would be like our ODE to the FAR EAST. Just last year, I was in china, and now is the time to embrace diversity. Fireworks. Chinese. Don't you love fireworks?

Me: but. Fireworks are expensive, and hard to do, they require planning, and permiting and a staging location.

BM: You know, I did fireworks once at a movie... I think we should do stars and bursts kind, then we can have them spell out our name.

Me (silently sobbing inside and looking at my CEO for guidance) Uh... Well, as long as we keep them with in our logo color scheme.

Nothing says fun, like kissing ass and agreeing with someone when you know that what they are asking is literally impossible.

Hooray.

So I spent the entire evening, picking at bread, moving lamb sausage around my plate (I can't bring myself to eat lamb, it is just wrong... I also can't eat deer. I always think of Bambi's Mom) trying to discover which cheese was probably cheddar (NONE... I triple creme fraiche... which I think was bree) and passing the fungus plate.

I was hungry and nerve shattered at the end.
I hate fancy pants food.